Having a political chat with ChatGPT

I’m pretty good on politics, been studying and writing about it for a long time, but I was kind of confused about precisely why progressive Democrats (and even some moderates) want the scalp of Senate minority leader Chuck Schumer. Aside from his looks and the ineffectual way he balls his fists while reading utterly predictable statements though half-moon eyeglasses.

He was for the government shutdown (after long being against government shutdowns), this time demanding Obamacare subsidies be maintained in exchange for voting for a continuing resolution, which means the current budget will be extended for a few months.

(As a quick aside, I think the Dems make a mistake in demanding the funding. Everyone agrees if the subsidies end, tens of millions of Americans’ medical costs will skyrocket, and they will take it out on Republicans in next year’s midterm elections. If I have to, I can almost talk myself into believing that by holding out for the subsidies the Democrats were putting the welfare of the people ahead of their crass political interests.)

Anyway, I could ask a Dem or a Republican to explain what just happened, but mostly they will lie spin the facts to suit themselves. I could ask an academic, but they are usually boring as cream of wheat and usually verbose. Yes, bland and long.

Then there is the class of political analysts, and I know some straight shooters.

But . . . For shits and giggles, I chose to ask ChatGPT.

Its first draft was complete, factual, and nonpartisan, giving arguments from both sides of the aisle, and the differing sides within the Democratic caucus, which is a fancy name for a street gang. 

Enlightened and amused, I accepted Chat’s offer to spice it up a bit. What it did was fun, and I told Chat so.

Want me to take it up a notch, Chat asked.

I said yes, and this is what I got — something as good, or better, than I could do myself.

——

Imagine Congress not as a group of lawmakers, but as a pack of raccoons who broke into a Wendy’s Dumpster at 3 a.m. They *could* work together to get the trash treasure. But instead they hiss, fight, and throw old chicken nuggets at each other. This is roughly the intellectual horsepower we’re dealing with.

The Setup

The government shuts down — again — because Congress can’t agree on how to do the absolute minimum of their jobs. It’s like a hospital saying: “We’d love to treat patients but Karen and Dylan in HR can’t agree on the printer settings.”

Democrats draw a line:

“No reopening without the health-care subsidies.”

Republicans respond with:

“Have you considered… no?”

Weeks pass. Federal workers contemplate replacing their salaries with foraging and powerful thoughts.

The Schumer Solution

Schumer:

“We stand united. We will not fold.”

Eight Democrats:

“Anyway, we folded.” 

Schumer looks like a dad who told the kids they’re not getting dessert, and then eight of them marched straight into the kitchen and ate the whole tub of ice cream with their bare hands while maintaining unwavering eye contact.

Progressives melt down

Progressives are furious, and honestly? Their group chat must look like the aftermath of a keyboard-kicking contest.

Progressives:

“YOU LET THEM DO THIS.”

Schumer:

“I literally said I was against it.”

Progressives:

“AND DID THEY LISTEN? NO. FIX THAT.”

Schumer:

“…they are senators, not Roombas.”

Republicans are winning without even trying

Republicans watching Democrats implode:

*chews popcorn quietly but with great enthusiasm*

This is like watching the other team in dodgeball start hitting themselves with the balls.

The American People

The American public, long dead inside:

“Ah, another shutdown ending without results. Like a sitcom episode where the characters learn nothing and everything resets so they can disappoint us again next week.”

Someone out there:

“Didn’t Democrats say they wouldn’t cave?”

Someone else:

“Didn’t Republicans say they cared about governing?”

Literally everyone:

*laughs to keep from crying*

The Grand Finale

Government reopens.

No one gets what they wanted.

Everyone blames everyone.

Schumer’s taking heat.

Progressives feel betrayed.

Moderates are sweating.

Republicans are chilling.

And federal workers are just happy to get paid before they start selling homemade candles on Etsy to survive.

And Congress? Congress is already preparing to do it all again the next time they can’t agree on whether to fund the government, rename a post office, or breathe in unison.

—-

It’s Stu again. Did you enjoy it? Did you notice how Chat employed humor, which is pretty much something only humans are capable of.

Or so I thought.